Confessions...of a stay-at-home mom and preacher's wife

Confession Nine

2008-04-17T21:31:00.004-05:00

I stink at blogging. Now, if you try to keep up with my blog, you are doing better than me. I have not posted since August, and it is now April. Ummm...what have I been doing?!

I read a blog tonight that spoke to me. It was talking about the tension that exists within us who attend churches. It is the inevitable discord in a congregation--Group A likes to worship quietly, solemnly, while Group B would rather be able to clap sometimes, maybe raise hands in praise, or sing during communion. This is a struggle for all, I guess. In some areas, it is just a matter of choosing the congregation that "fits" you best. You don't like clapping? Well, head down to the church on the corner. Like a more contemporary song leader? The church across town has one. No problem, right? We can all love each other, fellowship each other, respect our different worship preferences, can't we?

I do agree with this idea to a degree. I think that God made us all with different personalities, experiences, etc. that shape who we are and how we come to Him. I wish that we could all just find our niche and get to work. Though I do not believe worship is all about us, I do believe that God allows us some freedom to come to Him in a manner that may be slightly different than the person sitting to our left (or right). What happens, though, when you are in an area that does not have a variety of churches? What happens when the next closest congregation is an hour (or more) away, so you must worship together, even when you can't see it eye to eye? What happens when, for the sake of Bro. X or Sis. Y, we worship one way, while most of the congregation withers for lack of sustanence?

Personally, I wish we could all mature in this area. Why should it bother me if the person next to me wants to sing quietly, or does not participate in a song during the Lord's Supper because they would rather read a passage of Scripture? Why should it bother them if I feel led to raise my hands to God during a prayer, or clap for joy during a song of praise? It seems that maturity is called for on both sides, so that we can all say, "Praise God!" (or not), and mean it! Why can't we all sit in the same building and give each other these allowances? Why do we feel that one side must always concede to the other? This type of intolerance causes church splits, breeds discord, causes whole congregations to withdraw fellowship from each other. I don't think this is a picture of the unity Christ prayed for. What is wrong with simply allowing the freedom that Scripture allows? Why can't we sing hymns AND contemporary praise songs in the same service? Why can't someone clap if they wish, even if others choose not to, without getting or giving dirty looks, or giving or receiving a "talking to" after service?

As I write this, it strikes me how petty and irrelevant this truly is. Were the pharisees justfied for keeping the letter of the law? No. They were condemned for missing the heart of the God that was revealed in the law. Do we think we will be condemned for differences in worship style or for our ambivalence toward the Great Commission? I want to see a church that stops "majoring in the minors" and gets to the work of bringing others to Christ (and by that I don't mean to church--but that's a different post entirely) Oops, and I think it's also supposed to start with me! I need Barack Obama to start a grassroots movement in me..."If we can change a girl, we can change a church. If we can change a church..." (If you haven't seen that Obama ad, you probably don't get that at all...)

Better yet, maybe the Holy Spirit can start that movement...

Confession Eight

2007-08-18T20:40:00.001-05:00

This is our anniversary weekend--and we are spending it 1000 miles apart!

We had decided that for our anniversary we would go to the little town down the road and have supper, walk around a bit, and then stop by the cute old-timey ice cream place for dessert. Nothing extravagant, but just a quiet, no-kids evening. But Mike's grandma passed away last week, so he is at the funeral this weekend. Our friends are so wonderful that they kept our girls for me anyway, and I got to go to the park around the corner for 2 whole hours and read my latest installment of Harry Potter. Now you may be thinking that it's the newest and last Harry Potter, but you'd be wrong. It is only #2. I read the first one 6 years ago (I think), and I liked it, but I never got to keep up with them because I was reading too many other things. It was never at the top of my list until now. So, culturally speaking, I am way behind. I haven't even seen the movies because I want to read the books first. Way, way behind...;)

Speaking of being culturally behind... Yesterday, I took our very young girls out to Chocolate World, and next to us in the parking lot a man screamed (very loudly) at his wife (or girlfriend) to get the "blank" out of the car. Honestly, I forgot that people treat each other that way. I hope this is not the norm, but I fear it may be. Now, I am prone to get fussy with my husband for various and sundry things everyday (leaving clothes on the floor, not helping with dishes, etc) but I really, truly forgot that some people put up with so much worse. We have been through very rough times in our relationship--things that still haunt us to this day--but it is good to be with someone who can apologize and mean it, who can admit mistakes (even really big, hurtful ones), and who seems to be working hard to make our marriage #2 on his priority list. (In case you were wondering, God is #1-- not his mom! She's up there, though! ;) )

Which brings us back to the original topic... (I tend to meander off the path in my conversations--and in life--but that is another story...) I miss my husband. He's a pretty good one. He's not perfect, mind you, but really pretty good. He's respectful, funny, kind, and, as he told me on the phone last night, awfully good-looking. I'm terribly independent, so I don't tell him things like that very often. Maybe he'll read my blog...hope he doesn't get too befuddled with all the "meandering" and what not...

Oh, well--at least he's used to it. Unlike you, poor reader...

Confession Seven?

2007-07-16T21:12:00.000-05:00

Whew! It's been a looong time...

Well, I went into labor on April 18th, though my c-section was scheduled for the 20th. I was a little cranky because my husband took Nyquil that night (despite my reminder/lecture that this baby thing was not going to happen on his timetable) Of course, my water broke that night...and he had the audacity to sleep through my contractions (which I was hoping to skip this time around!) Nonetheless, Ms. Emily was born both beautiful and healthy, and Mike and I are still married, though that one was a stretch!

Having two is much different than one. I feel like there is just not enough time for anything...my prayer and study time is limited, my time alone with Mike is VERY little, my house is a disaster most of the time, and I still feel pulled between the two girls since they both need a lot of attention...then comes church stuff, friends, etc...so you can see why I have neglected my blog for awhile now.

Now that my little family update is done, here is my real topic for the blog nation at large. How do you deal with people who have "done you wrong?" As a Christian, I know that my responsibility is not only to forgive them, but to get the relationship reconciled, even if I have to make the first move, etc. But what do you do when you have opened the door of reconciliation, only to have it continually slammed back in your face? I have not been blessed with the spiritual gift of walking on eggshells for extended periods of time. Some folks can do this...I cannot. I cannot function well with a constant nagging feeling that there are folks out there who are purposely watching and waiting (hoping?) for me to fail, ready to pounce as soon as I do. I have come a long way out of the self-made "hell" of being a people-pleaser. I try hard instead to rely solely on God's assurance that I am OK and valuable. But, situations like these tend to drag me backward. I vacillate between feeling inadequate--that somehow these people's opinions are correct (even though I know they are not!)--and feeling indignant--that somehow I am better than they are (even though I know that I am not!) Neither feeling points me in the right direction!!

So, again I ask: where do I go from here? It is not a question of forgiveness. I have. I will continue to as long as it takes. But I do not want to continue to feel inadequate or indignant. The first causes me to doubt God's grace; the other, my own very real need for that grace. Both are outside of God's will for me (and let's not sugarcoat it--they are sin) So, I repent, and "as a dog goes back to its own vomit," I fall back into the trap again. Is there a way for me to move on, even though reconciliation may not be possible for a time, if ever? I know that many wiser than me are out there, so if you read this, please offer a word.

BTW--Though I do love the South, I must admit that summer in PA is beautiful (particularly the fairly low humidity)...Now, if we could just fix that problem of the 9-month winter...

Confession Six

2007-04-01T14:46:00.000-05:00

My little girl is getting big!

Well, she's really not quite 3 yet, but she will be soon...and yesterday, she got her "big girl" bed. It is a twin-sized bed, and she was not excited about it at first. But, then we bought some pink and flowery sheets, set it up, and she fell right to sleep. The transition has been much easier on her than on mommy and daddy. When I look at her tiny, little, curl-framed face almost lost in that big ol' bed, I remember that it was not so long ago that she came home from the hospital and would sleep in nothing but her bouncy seat! I also think about how fast the past 3 years have gone, and how in 3 more years she'll be in school, and then...well, if you're a parent, you get the picture!

But, can I brag for a minute? Indulge me. She is such a good girl. She is bubbly, funny, enthusiastic, and sweet...She is almost three, so she certainly has her toddler moments. She throws fits occasionally, is a tough negotiator, and rarely wants to do anything mommy's way. But she also loves to snuggle, says please and thank-you regularly, tries to help me with everything (cuz mommy's feet and back hurt all the time right now!), and she really loves to sing about Jesus. I am so excited to be having another child, but right now I am a little sad that my "just me and Mikayla" time is drawing to a close.

I pray that as she grows, she continues to love and to seek God. I pray that Mike and I can be better examples of what that looks like. I pray that when she succeeds, we cheer her on, and that when she falls, we help her to get back up and see what went wrong. I pray that we teach her to look around and see that there are so many opportunities to serve others, and to look to God to find her place and her gifts. I praise God that He blessed me with the opportunity to be part of this little girl's life, and I also pray that I can meet that responsibility by His power and grace. Parenting can be overwhelming, but what a joy...

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of my precious baby "big girl"!

****

On a very different note--what's goin' on with Sanjaya? I am the only one who doesn't understand the appeal? Am I getting old (I'm only 30...)?! Anyway...admittedly, it is more than a bit sad that American Idol is a topic of my conversation, but...hey, we all have our own hangups! So, this is my request to you, bloggers of the world--Can anyone explain the "Sanjaya Syndrome" to me so that I can get over it and finish painting my kids' room?! HELP!

Confession Five

2007-03-23T18:59:00.000-05:00

I miss "me" time!

Today is my birthday, and as a present, Mike took Mikayla on a "date" to the mall to get a present for me. Aaaaahhhh...I would love it if this type of thing could happen a little more often, but...since Mike works as a minister AND a counselor, his free time is limited, and we tend to spend it all together as a family. It is probably good that this doesn't happen too often, or I would take it for granted. For now, I just finished taking a quiet walk around our neighborhood. It was wonderful to get out and move and hear the birds and really be able to listen without answering upwards of 20 "why" questions (yes, Mikayla is in that stage!). Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but having alone time is good as well--and most moms don't get much of that!

This solitude will not last long, I'm afraid! I'm sure Mike and Mikayla will be home soon, and then it will be bedtime. Tomorrow we will have a birthday party for Mikayla and me (mostly her), since her birthday is only the day before my scheduled C-section. We figured if we put a little time in between, she would probably enjoy her birthday more this way. Otherwise, it would most likely get overshadowed by the birth of her sister. So, tomorrow will be hectic but fun, and we will have a good time with a couple friends and their kids. The only things Mikayla wants for her birthday are a pink cake and some balloons, so she's pretty easy.

Today, like I said, is my birthday, and not just any birthday. I officially turn 30 today, and my 20's are a thing of the past! Everyone keeps telling me that your 30's are great, that you feel more comfortable in your own skin, you know better who you are, etc., etc. I'll look forward to that, as I've been feeling pretty thin-skinned lately. Maybe it's the pregnancy, maybe it's the move, maybe it's the juggling of trying to be a minister's wife and yet not fall into those "traps" of it...who knows? Perhaps now that I am in my 30's, I will not think about whether or not I am living up to people's unspoken expectations of me, and how that affects their view of Mike and his ministry. I've been around the block enough to know that just because people don't tell you, doesn't mean they don't have expectations! For me, this is the most difficult part of being in ministry---I hate walking on eggshells, and really hate being held to a standard that I don't know about or understand. My husband handles it much better than me, which is great. Generally speaking, everybody feels like they are the preacher's boss, and each of those people have different rules to play by, and I can't imagine the pressure and uncertainty it makes Mike feel. I know how it makes me feel for him...again, he handles it better than me! So, perhaps now that I'm 30, God will give me some miraculous Solomon-like wisdom...but I'm thinking that I'll probably continue to gain wisdom and understanding the "old-fashioned" way--one day at a time, one trial at a time, by the grace of God. Maybe by the time I'm 90, I'll have all this figured out...then again, maybe not... ;)

Confession Four

2007-03-13T20:09:00.001-05:00

It's been a rough day!

I woke up with a sick stomach; consequently, I spent most of the morning in the facilities. Of course, a 2-yr-old doesn't understand why Mommy can't just play, so then the afternoon was spent dealing with behavior meant to elicit attention of any kind (particularly negative attention, of course!) Days like these are the ones you hope your kids will forget...or at least forgive! AAHHH! Mommies need "sick days", too!

It's been such a long time since I've taken time (as in a couple consecutive hours) to relax and do something that I just really enjoy. I'm not sure what I would even do--perhaps take a long, hot bath. Naahhh--at this point, I couldn't get back OUT of the tub, since you can't roll out...
Perhaps read a good, decadent book--one without any real purpose but to get lost in the story and changed by it somehow (although, I believe that is a real purpose!)
If it was moderately warm, perhaps I would take a long walk in a quiet, solitary place...
If I had money, I might take a weekend with my best friend and go stay at a hotel, and we could spend our time catching up, not cooking, or doing laundry, or disciplining children...
Or I would definitely do that very same thing with my husband...(it's just been longer since I've seen my best friend!)...
So, I guess I know what I would do---now, I just have to find a way to do it! With the baby coming in just a few weeks, I'd better find time to do at least one of these things--it'll be at least...well, a while...before another chance comes up.

So, it's 9:30 and I still need to wash dishes and fold a load (or two) of laundry, but I think I'd rather spend some time with my husband. He should be done working on his sermon soon, so...the dishes and clothes can wait until the morning. There will be more of them by then anyway!!!

Confession Three

2007-03-11T21:45:00.000-05:00

Don't you just hate when God is trying to tell you something? I mean, we all like to study stories like David and Goliath (though I'm sure Goliath is not a fan!), the story of Ruth, the parting of the Red Sea...but today, in Bible class, we continued discussing the "fruit of the flesh" in Galatians 5:19-20, which isn't a lot of scripture but packs a pretty fierce wallop. This is probably not a passage that shows up in most people's Top-Ten Favorites List. Now, I have been guilty of reading this passage with not just a mild amount of self-assurance that of course I couldn't possibly be guilty of such things as: adultery, fornication, sorcery, murders, etc. And, I praise God that by His grace, at this point, I am not. However, I seemed to have turned a blind eye to what God was trying to work in me because, as we studied today, words like jealousy, angry outbursts, selfish ambition, dissentions, and envy nearly jumped off the page and bit me on the arm!

Could it possibly be that when I HAVE to have my own way, I am killing the Spirit and feeding the flesh? Of course--but don't tell me that! In my mind, I am simply being "assertive" and asking for what I want! Now, don't get me wrong--there is nothing bad about having an opinion, or voicing it, or even debating its merit. But when my opinion (my comfort, my tradition, my preference) becomes more important than loving those around me, I think I've missed the boat. And, as I discovered today, I've missed it more than once (a day!). Of course, deep-down, I'm sure I've known about this for quite some time. Who wants to admit that while I talk about loving others, I discreetly (or not so much...) treat others better if they fall in line with my traditions, opinions, or preferences? Who wants to admit that I tend to devalue people if they choose a stand that is different from mine? God nudged me particularly hard on this one...and that's not even covering other things that trip me up: jealousy, envy, angry outbursts, selfish ambitions...

So, big surprise, I'm not perfect. (If only my husband knew that...) I really did (and do) know this--and it becomes more and more evident every day. I am thankful for God's poking and prodding in my life. I am so glad that He reminds me over and over that I desperately need Him, His Spirit, and His grace if I'm going to get through this tangle we call Life. I'm glad that He doesn't give up on me when I am blind and deaf to the truth about myself. I'm thankful that He, as I do with my own daughter, speaks over and over again, in the hope that one of these days I'll be ready to listen and get it right! And until that day, thankfully, I can continue to grow and mature within the safe confines of His abundant grace...

Confession Two

2007-03-10T16:34:00.000-05:00

I love painting! (Huge eye roll) We have been working on our kitchen for a month and a half now, and today will be the final day!! For any new homeowners out there, you understand...But I did tell Mike today that if I ever get the idea in my head to put up wallpaper or border anywhere in our home to take me out back and flog me! Of course, though I am complaining, things could be much, much worse. Our house is only about 20 years old, and I'm pretty sure that this is the first time anyone has put a new coat of paint on the walls. So, the cabinets are in great shape and paint-free, the walls are in pretty good condition, and in the grander scheme of things we have a home that is clean, warm, comfortable, and affordable. We are very blessed!

Speaking of blessed--we had our first relatively warm day today! It was not very sunny, but the temperature was almost 50 degrees...Like I said, it's been awhile, so we were excited and opened the windows and doors for a bit, and it almost started to feel like Spring could be coming!
We also cited the return of our lost trash can. Last week, on a particularly windy day, I looked out back and noticed that one of our trash cans was missing. Now, normally I would have assumed that someone decided they just really needed a trash can--but it was so windy that I visualized the wind rolling it down the street and into the next town. We did go out to look for it, but didn't find it. Apparently, it did not get too very far, for today it showed up next to our mailbox, which was nice. Here's my only question--it looks like every other trash can in the neighborhood, so how did anyone know it was ours?! Hmmm...makes you think about how much your neighbors watch your house...

Well, this has been a relatively pointless post (well, probably not "relatively"--but more like "ridiculously") Since Mike and I are trying not to watch TV, I am behind on most matters, and I have slacked off in my reading of nearly anything this week. Hopefully, next week I will have more deep matters to discuss.

Confession One

2007-03-08T16:18:00.000-05:00

Well, they say confession is good for the soul, so here goes...

I went to a "playdate" (mom-ese for "time to get together with other women who just need a few minutes of adult conversation") today, and I think I enjoy them more than Mikayla. Here's why: Nobody is fake! We can all talk about how ill-mannered our children can be, how we all have to pinch pennies and not shop at Baby Gap, etc...This is not easy to come by. For some unGodly (yes, truly not of God) reason, when people have kids, it often becomes all about how your child can appear to be the best, brightest, most well-fed and dressed, most advanced, compliant, well-mannered little alien on earth. What 3-yr-old have you met who never throws fits and food, eats all his vegetables, and likes to share? I have never met one, but if I do, I'll be sure to keep up with him to see if he turns into a serial killer in 18 years! So, our playgroup is great, and we don't have to constantly say, "I can't believe it...she never acts like this at home..."

I am about 6 weeks away from giving birth to our second child. This pregnancy has been a bit surreal. I think I was in denial until about a month ago. Then my belly got really big, I couldn't sleep, and I remembered what it was like when Mikayla was first-born. I have now gone from denial to panic. Is "panic" even a phase? We've only been in our house for about 6 months, and going through the "nesting" phase when you still have walls to be sanded and painted, and a guest room that looks like...well, there are words, but I probably shouldn't use them...is a little panic-inducing. Plus, we've been spoiled by Mikayla being potty-trained for about 6 months, and getting used to diapers again does not seem appealing. Neither do nighttime feedings, colic, and various and sundry other things that come along with newborns. But I am excited (deep down, in my own little way...) and I already love Emily (she is supposed to be a girl) and I know that in a year I will be sad that the infant phase is almost over.

On a completely different note--My husband is going on a mission trip to Ghana, West Africa in October. He has asked one of his best friends (Benjiman) to go with him. When Benji asked his wife, Geneva, what she thought of the idea, she said, "So nobody else is going? Just you and Mike in Africa? You don't know how that terrifies me..." (Of course, this is a paraphrase...) If anyone reading this blog knows my husband, or Benjiman, you will understand just how hard I laughed when I heard this...